The Christian Letter, Volume One: Chapter 35
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land Yahoweh your Deliverer is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12).
Proper respect towards our Creator begins in the home, and this Word teaches us how to love and respect Yahoweh, our parents, and all kinds. A blessing of a long life in the land Yahoweh your Deliverer is giving you is such a contrast to the short life in the wrong place, full of misery and unhappiness, which exists for those who refuse to honor their parents. Land? Long life? This was also unto the Levites, and they had no land, save for His Kingdom.
Let us show love for Yahoweh in observing His Word, by studying His Commandments, praying for His Spirit to guide us, and by being willing to do as He instructs, even before He instructs. We must do as Yahoweh Commanded by bringing up our children properly.
There are five sections to this Letter, and they very hard to hear. Some of this may offend you, and thus it is my advice to pray, and to approach this as calmly as possible. These are hard words, because this is a hard subject. Even if you strongly disagree with me, I urge you to ponder these ideas over the next many years. For His glory, let it be so.
The sections are as follows:
How to Honor your Parents
How to be Honorable
Raising Honorable Children
Do not Spare the Rod
Bearing Children and Adopting Heirs
How to Honor your Parents
Sorrowfully, I am often asked, “What should I do since my daddy / mommy, does not love Yahoweh? How can I honor him / her?” Thankfully, you can still do your best. Remember, the service of this Mitzvah is to honor them, not emulate them.
Honoring your father and mother does not mean to go against the will of Yahoweh to do so. If your father wants you to drink beer to become drunk, say a racist joke, or look at a pornographic magazine, then this commandment applies—but not in terms of obedience. This would not please our Father in heaven, and nor would it honor our earthly dad, even if he thinks it would. There is a fine line, but we must pray diligently to know it. Keep in mind this commandment tells us to honor our parents; therefore, to uphold this commandment, we children must be honorable.
“For Elohim has commanded, saying, ‘Respect your father and your mother,’ and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’ But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me has been dedicated,” is certainly released from respecting his father or mother.’ So you have nullified the command of Elohim by your tradition.” (Matthew 15:4-6).
The Pharisees of old thought that servitude to Elohim was the best way to honor parents. Sounds fair. Sounds right. It is right! … Until you read the fine print: to the point of neglecting their parents. I have seen this in the church as well. Children, women, and men, devote so much time in the church that they have little to none left for their own family. Serving Yahoweh also means serving your parents.
Yahoweh has told us that He gave us the Sabbath to see if we would keep His Torah or not. If we will rest, He will give us the Word. Now that is a wonderful offering. The Ten Commandments flow from one to the next. To keep the first one, you really do have to keep the next nine; in keeping the next five, you will be keeping the fifth. One cannot be removed, without breaking the whole tablet.
Love covers a multitude of sins. Love them, and be one who can be loved. It saddens me to say, so many children have parents that expect them to honor them, but the children feel they cannot. Is it right to honor someone who is a violent drunkard? The Bible does not say: honor your monster. He doesn’t command us to respect our egg donor, or sperm donor. Brazen? Absolutely! As brazen as it is to think children have been commanded to honor the dishonorable—but is there a way to honor those who are dishonorable themselves? Please allow me to continue being even more brazen, and yourself to consider that which is bitter, difficult, and bettering.
To honor your parents does not mean to obey them into wickedness, or to revere what they have become. A gentleman once told me about his parents, one a drunkard, and one battered. The way he honored them, even decades after they had passed away, was that he did volunteer work for, and donated to, a group that helped abused women, and to another that helped alcoholics. To be honest, his full story brought me to tears. He was an atheist. Here he was, an atheist, who was outdoing … me. I urge you to follow Torah, at least as well as that atheist. Was your dad war torn? Stand for peace! Was your mother raped? Fight for the right of women to be treated equally—and raise good sons! Did your parents pass away from cancer? Then bring awareness to yourself first, and then to the world, about how to prevent most cancers. Oh, but it is not all sorrow—no—for if your mother played music, then make sure other people have that chance, and if your dad farmed, then even if it is just a garden, honor him. Whatever the passions of your parents, from painting to dance, from theft to drugs, from depression to violence, from cooking to charity, there are more ways to honor your parents than you once imagined.
Honoring your parents can include many other things, too, such as cleaning house, writing them a loving card, and doing well in school. Be kind, bring them flowers, give them a neck massage, and listen to their stories. Respect their wishes concerning music, and boast of their noble traits in front of their friends. Honor them. Respect them. The world’s dirt gets on us all. They are not perfect, but like an apple, aside from bumps and bruises, most of us are still okay. That is how we can be the apple of their eye, even though we have our own faults, too.
How to be Honorable
To define honor would take an entire book. Maybe even volumes of books would be needed. However, all trees begin as seeds, so allow me to plant this one: To hit a distant target, one must often aim above it. To achieve honor, one must guard it by speaking only true words, not succumbing to drunkenness and harlots, maintaining a strong demeanor powerful enough to not allow oneself to become overcome by temptations of foolishness, and to search for understanding through application of the purest of nobilities. It is as small as taking your shoes off in a home, to as great as standing up when an elder enters the room. From as forgotten as cleanliness, to as monumental as saying your prayers. As noble as learning eloquent speech, to as neglected as aiding widows in their distress—this is but a seed—for honor is a vast forest.
Abuse does not need to be in our shelter, for parents have no right to make it difficult for us to honor them. Separation from the embodiment of Torah hurts your children, if for no other reason than it is hard to honor you when you are acting like the devil. “Children, obey your parents in the Master, for this is right. ‘Respect your father and mother,’ which is the first command with promise, in order that it might be well with you, and you might live long on the earth. And you, fathers, do not provoke your children, but bring them up in the instruction and admonition of the Master.” (Ephesians 6:1-4).
We are not to provoke them to sin by failing to instruct them in His Word. Speak more often about rewards and consequences, discuss influences, and guide them so they are not deceived. Pay more attention, not to sports scores or events, but to his and her environment. Are the people they hang around with good for them? This all starts much sooner than even this: When looking for a wife or a husband, part of that individual, good and bad, will be present in the child.
The deep issue of raising good children, is being one yourself. Your child should see you honoring your parents—even if you disagree with them. Ah, what a tough subject. Hindsight would come to no better use than that of parenthood. You will find yourself in the same place everyone else finds themselves: wishing you knew then, what you know now. But, you know what, there are people who have had trial runs: Grandparents. Parents need to honor their parents and learn from them.
I know many do not want to do that. Their parents think the children should get away with things—and don’t we know better than that! Why we cannot allow a child to run around and scream for hours, and look, they are playing in the dirt—stop that! … Ah, parents of parents know that it is more beneficial to let children play, than it is to stop them. Parents of parents are the people you must speak with, and ask them two daring questions: “If you had it to do over, what would you have done differently? What would you have done the same?” Ask your parents this, your grandparents, and indeed other people’s grandparents. Learn from them, and you will learn how to be better parents than you are now. Seek to improve.
Metaphorically speaking, parents are unable to see outside, yet often condemn those who are looking in. Those who are outside are not ignorant of any problems, but are aware of them from a different vantage point. Those who come in your home only once a year, see your children differently, not incorrectly, in that they clearly see the progress. If anyone should ever come to you, and express concern over your son’s education, health, social activities, or your methods of any kind, then listen to that person with respect, and consider what was said. Let them know you are considering what they said, even weeks later, and in that, know that I am not asking you to lie. Consider it. This is what others see. It is not wrong, it is just different, like the view from inside a house, to the view outside. They are able to see your roof is in bad shape, or your foundation is cracked—they are not wrong! Respect them, for, even if their view is different, it is quite the complement to any man or woman, when someone thinks you have enough brain power to accept or consider advice, considering most do not.
When arriving at the Commandments, some choose sorrow and short life because it is easier, but the calling of Yahoweh is the more rewarding journey, and parents who install this in their children, as well as themselves, never regret the effort it takes. I pray you will take it, even if you have lost the chance to respect them while they were alive … you can still live a life that does their name honor.
Note: To honor those who have passed on does not mean offering them prayers and incense. I speak of what no shrine can compare to: Live such a life that if one of their old friends were to see you, she would say in her heart, “This one has blessed his family name. I am sure his parents would be pleased. Praise Yah for the Word that has brought forth this blessing.” That is how to honor parents no longer here. For this commandment has with it no declaration of ceasing.
“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, and wife, and children, and brothers, and sisters, and his own life too, he is unable to be My taught one.” (Luke 14:26). We are, indeed, to love our parents, spouse, and family, and even our own life, but in comparison to Yahoshuah, there should be no comparison. I love my mother and my wife, but not in comparison to the love I have for my Saviour. If we have a love far greater for Him, then, even if we do not yet desire to obey His Commandments, we will, in love. For disciples love Him more than self.
I firmly believe the reason we see so many divorces today is that parents have failed in their most monumental task. A school prepares us to find good jobs, but parents are to show us how to be husbands and wives! Most teenagers haven’t the foggiest idea who to look for, let alone how to be, a good spouse, but they should have long before their eighth birthday! … To have children who honor their parents, we must raise them to be good wives and good husbands, as a priority, from the earliest of ages.
To raise a daughter to be a good wife: Lessons begin with Scripture, and the honorable role she has been given. Diligent work toward speech is made, for only eloquent speech is befitting a lady. From early on she learns how to prepare fine meals, true, but she also learns what men are to do, and what they are not to do. She understands it is her right to be seated first, to have the door opened for her, and to be addressed by a proper title only. It is not a talk one sunny afternoon that shows her the way of womanhood, it is a journey from the age of speech to the day it is asked, “And who is it that gives away the bride?” … And perhaps even beyond this.
To raise a son to be a good husband: The son must learn to submit to the Messiah above that of himself or the church, and to guard his heart so that it is able to love his wife more than his own life. While both must play, the boy ought have more chores, growing in time and difficulty, as he gets older, though never as tough as dad’s work, as a healthy work ethic is a part of being a man. He should plant a garden, so as to provide food. He must learn how to build things for his sister or mother or grandmother, as well as know the order, each nuance, of proper etiquette. A boy should learn how to work out problems, but also how to listen. He should be allowed to cry, for if a man cannot cry for something, then he does not have enough love in his heart to stand tall when the time comes.
From the start, both should be prepared for the difficulties, the humdrums, and the elevations of marriage. If it is not so, then they will not know how to handle the situation when whiskey, violence, complaints about dinner, discontent, or wishful thinking arises within the home called marriage. Sadly, mothers speak about the wedding far more than the marriage, and fathers talk more about the wedding night than the proper way to hold a hand, or wipe away a tear. It is time parents became honorable. It is time for honorable sons and daughters.
To train a child how to be a good spouse—as well as a good parent—leaves in the child respect for his or her parents, for the children see the parents bettering themselves year by year. If a child does not have this, then he or she will have grave difficulty holding onto love … to install this truth in his or her children.
Women should be taught many things, including the following: how to give quick and clear directions, how to answer what was actually asked, how to tell stories, how to read in a way that captures the audience, how to prepare a wide array of foods, how to make herself look as nice as she can, how to take care of her health, how to keep herself safe, how to tell if someone is nice or nice acting, how to accept things, how to not accept things, how to be on time, how to respond without hesitation, how to pray diligently, how to help others while always taking care of self and family, how to grow a garden, and how to take care of basic tasks such as replacing a door or playing a musical instrument. For the more refined woman, she should also know at least two languages, have one skill in a physical art and one in a mental art, such as self-defense and painting, as well as proper elocution in timing, wit, and wisdom. The best way, after all, to find a good husband, is through praying from behind the plough, or: To make yourself better than you are at present. Remember, it is the you of tomorrow who will be married, not the you of today.
Men should be taught, even if self-taught, many things, including the following: how to be polite according to righteousness, how to be appreciative when receiving gifts, how to do every typical chore of a woman so that he can pick up these tasks when she is unable, and to do so with the decorum of a saint, to have legible and eloquent writing and speech, to count to ten of his faults before counting one of another’s, to read his Bible everyday and ponder the Truth he has read by seeking to apply it, and being both able to adapt and endure. For the more refined of men, he should also know how to dance traditional dances, be strong in every aspect, be soft in every aspect, and know how to handle money wisely, as well as how to enjoy every day.
While this may be short, I find no need in belabouring something so very pragmatic. To be honorable is choosing right, when faced with right and wrong. To be hurt, to even die for what is right, is far and away better than all pretences and philosophies.
Note: Why honor, and not love? Honor is a form of love that has deep roots. One can be dishonorable, but claim and show love by hugs and visits, but it is better that the parents have joy when speaking about their child, as well as hugs and visits. This is imperative: Honor is the key to the door of love, and only on the hinges of loyalty can it open. What is behind this door? … All I can see is light.
Raising Honorable Children
Taking my own advice, I spoke with grandparents about how to raise honorable children. Some of what they said seemed very unorthodox, but perhaps truer than the trite sayings we are all used to. Here are some of the many wonderful advices I received.
Children are often told to tell the truth, but then when they do, they are punished for it. A child should feel comfortable talking to both parents about issues ranging from religion to politics, girls to boys, even grades and fears, and not once have a dread of reprisal. If we were half as honest as we should be, then every one of us would say things that are not considered normal or acceptable. We need not ride a high horse when the Messiah rode in on a donkey and her colt. If a child confesses to you. his or her sin—forgive them instantly. No punishment, just forgiveness. It is, after all, what we would desire from our Heavenly Father. Correction, true correction, is to walk with Him.
Sadly, many children are confused by corrections, not just because they were never told why they are being punished, but that their brothers did this and got away with it, or it was okay when this happened at home, or at the store. Consistency leaves no room for irritating pleading, or closed wonder. Giving in to whining teaches them to whine. It must never be done. If, on a rare occasion you do see the error in your way, and decide it is okay, you must let them know that it was not their crying that made you change your mind. We see this same method in other people too, from pretty girls who have learned that showing off their body and flirting gets them what they want, to violent men who now know that threats or violence will get them what they want. We are all kids; our methods of testing just change at times.
Children will repeat and do what they see; therefore, from parent’s behaviour to entertainments, caution must be utilized more than ever. One of the best aspects of Christians is that they, for the most part, are very good at not letting in poor music or films, and abstaining from most vulgarity and drugs.
Some parents give long warnings to children, such as counting to ten, or counting to three quite slowly, and when the parent reaches the last number a punishment is given. This seems logical at first, but what it does is it gives the child time to disobey, and we become as we rehearse. Testing is something, not all children, but rather all people, do. Each of us has tested our spouse, friends, parents, and I dare say, even Elohim. Children who are testing must see that there is no time to waste in doing what is right, not due to fear, but due to it being too great of a blessing for delay.
Let us consider the concept, and durability, of rewards and punishments. If Tom asks Joe to work in his garden for a sufficient amount of money, he will show up, day after day, and work. The moment, however, that Tom stop paying him, Joe will stop working. Identically, if Tom tells Joe that he is going to beat him if he does not work in his garden, Joe will work in the garden until the threat is no longer there. Yet, if Tom shows his son, Joe, the joy of working in the garden, and finds ways to make it enjoyable for him, then Joe will work in the garden throughout his life. Often, parents use methods of temporary reward or punishment to gain a response, but it works only in the short term.
Again, the moment reward or punishment is taken away, we stop performing our duties, unless those duties are who we are. If we are paid to go to work, then we will stop going the moment the pay stops. If we are punished if we do not clean our room, then our rooms becomes messes the moment punishment no longer lingers. If we desire to help clean up trash to care for what Yahoweh Elohim has given us, then we will do it without pay, and without concern of punishment. That is the difference between threats, bribery, and proper upbringing.
Each child has a different personality. No newsflash, or maybe it is, as many parents abuse their different children in the same manner, but expect results. In the same way, lovingly rearing their children in the same manner, while expecting the same results, is also illogical. Silence may work for one child, while a rational talk may work for another, and a few days later the only thing that might better them is for you to tell them you have done the same thing: You messed up, and are sorry you sinned because it hurt others.
Teenage angst and rebellion, and even more rebellion once the children are outside of your care, starts early on in rebellion to unrealistic demands and abuse, but not all rebellion will ever be sequestered. Yet, responsibility does not start at age ten. Rebellion due to unrealistic demands is one extreme, yes, but the other is not giving age appropriate responsibilities and chores to a child from a very early age. When parents fail to do this, when responsibility is finally given, the child fights against it, as it is seen as unfair and cruel.
With high expectations, come low disappointments. New parents who do not respect their elders often fall into this trap, and their children suffer from low self-esteem because of their parent’s preoccupation with perfection in the children, but not bettering themselves. Part of growing up to be a great adult, is making all the mistakes when you are a little innocent kid.
Speaking of mistakes: When the parents are potty training their one-year-old child, two at a maximum, the training must take extreme priority. From always having a potty, to telling them that they did a good job and how big they are getting. Purchasing wasteful and expensive diapers often make it so the child does not even feel wet or dirty, and can become a detriment in training, which, with dedication, should take around one month in time, even though there will still be the occasional harmless accident.
One of the biggest advices I have heard was letting children help you. Now, granted, I have never been too found of having help, and when the helper is a small child it makes most projects take three times longer, but doing projects with your children helps them learn by doing, and they have the joy of spending time with mom and dad. During these times, and others to be sure, the children will ask you questions. Encourage good questions, and seek to answer them even if you have to research the answer with them. It is not just our duty, rather, it is a good parent’s pleasure to raise their children to be well educated, as well as happy.
Make sure your children see that you and your spouse have their interest in mind, and that you are doing your best to be good parents. Even if you are lousy, children are smarter than most think they are, as they will see you trying your best to be good to them. The outcome, I tell you, is a deep and life long respect. Children whose parents did their best, know it.
Parents, in private, must agree on all points. If dad always says no, but mom often says yes, the child will always go to mother, even after dad has said no. This is just like going to the Messiah, Who says, “Follow Me.” but then, when the discovery of this means we obey the Torah, we go to the devil instead, who says, “Surely, He did not say, ‘Follow Me.’ Surely you will not die.” Parents, when asked for an answer, must always talk with each other to become in agreement. The talk does not always need to be in private, unless there are disagreements. Laying down all the pros and cons, can help, not just the parents make a good decision, but can help the child make the decision all on his or her own. Listen to the Holy Spirit, and give your mind to the wisdom of Elohim in all matters.
Learning experiences need to be consistent in the pursuit of fine books and film, but there should also be the consistency of occasional journeys. Visit a small town museum, speak to a wise elder, or go on a miniature safari at a nature park. Learning, like most things, can be fun, or it can be a thankless chore. Allow it to be fun for both of you.
Until a child tries an instrument, he or she will have no idea if it is enjoyable. The same applies to swimming, martial arts, juggling, or painting. Sometimes children will not know they love ballet, playing the cello, or riding horses, until they have tried it. Make sure your child gets, not just a day at something, but a few months. Often if a child practices music, they may want to try a different instrument than you, and this should be allowed and encouraged. From writing poetry, to woodwork, make sure they have plenty of experiences along with prolonged training in some crafts that they enjoy. With every profession, there comes times of boredom, and when this happens, motivation will drive them on more than nagging or pushing. If your daughter is losing interest, seeing a ballerina perform may be enough, or if you son is not practicing as hard, perhaps a cello concert would motivate him for many months, and perhaps they do not want to pursue these things. Never force your child to do and be what you are. The world needs one of you, and one of each of them.
Not all interests are sports and arts. Children often want to have a pet. If you raise animals, please do not install in the child that is acceptable to neglect, abuse, or even kill the animal you have loved and raised. This level of perverting a child’s heart is wicked, as it is an instruction in the removal of one’s own compassion. Understand that the animals your children raise must be cared for, for life. The children must know that the animal will pass away, and you must know the animal is safe to have as a pet. I would sooner buy a pit bull puppy any day, than a poodle, and just a plain cat has enough exotic appeal to never need to be foolish enough to buy a wild animal. I mean that word foolish, by the way. Yet, the best breed of any animal, the absolute best kind of all, is rescued. However, if you cannot have a pet, or you live in a place where having a dog would be too restrictive to his desire for space to run around in, such as living in a town, then make sure your children do get to go see other animals at another location as often as you can.
It is better to raise up a child who helps raises himself, or herself, up. When the goal of the child is the same as the parent’s, in that they both want the child to become the man or woman the child is, then there is great successes. The problem here lies in that many parents try to live through their children. If you loved gymnastics as a child, do not push for this discipline if your daughter would prefer to learn the cello. For a child who goes from one thing to another, the parents and child must make greater effort in pursuing the matter. Few of us are the same person we were twenty years ago; we either improve, or we don’t, and that is what children should learn from their parents: An altitude of I can improve, keep my honor, and soar despite the world telling me that I have no wings.
There is something to be said for growing up on a farm, and most of it is good. Inner cities and other poor locations should be improved upon before having children, or at least as soon as one is able. Speaking of farms causes me to think of how nice it was to be around horses, cows, chickens, cats, and having a dog, but it also makes me think of goats, and what they so often represent.
Scapegoat syndrome is where one child is treated worse, and often has more than his or her share of punishments. Sadly, this also happens in marriages, where, most commonly, the husband blames the wife, quite often for his own shortcomings. If, and this is rare, one child is the smarter and kinder child, then all one must do is remember: This is not a matter of individuals, not sides. If one hardly tried and got 90% of the questions right on a test at school, and another gave it his or her all and got 30% right, then the one who received 30% is smarter. Why? It is foolish not to excel to the height of ones capabilities, inasmuch as it is foolishness to compare one to another, rather than oneself to oneself.
Whoever said parenting was easy … was probably drunk.
We all have our temptations, our faults; some of us simply have not found the difficult ones yet. If a child is struggling, then struggle with them to find the root, to find the planter of these weeds, and to help them overcome their hardship. While difficult, it helps to share, not just hardships that you had, but also those you are facing this very day. If your children see you struggle through temptation and prevail, it will help them a thousand fold more than any punishment ever could—but only if you do it together.
Therefore, allow your kids to love you, and show them by example, that, while it is flat out difficult, you can love people when they are mean, you can love even your enemy. Moreover, if they see this as true in your life, as we see it is true in the Messiah’s life, then they will honor you and love you, too. It is a habit that passes generations at times, but it is never forgotten if we treasure grandparents.
A son allowed to disrespect his parents, will have no true respect for anyone, including women. While not everything a child does can be blamed on the parents, too many parents are not installing honor into their children. It is a long and arduous journey, and while the laziness of our weak willed and minded society may often be blamed, the truth is that as adults, all mistakes are our own.
When you expect your daughter to clean her room, and she doesn’t, you become enraged, but it is not because she has a dirty room. It has been dirty all week, and you were not mad, at least this mad. Your anger, just like mine, hinges on your own expectations. Learning this pragmatic truth, is just as beneficial for your sanity as it is for your children’s.
Make it a rule that no harsh punishment will be given for at least one day, and then, let the punishment fit the crime. There is no need to drive fear into the child of what your anger is going to do to him or her, rather, simply say, “We will discuss this tomorrow.” This gives you the time it takes to put yourself in the child’s position, and allows you to consider the proper route to bring up a kind-hearted child. Yet, one cannot be too soft, either. The punishment, or correction, rather, must fit the crime. If the offensive was minor, such as throwing a ball in the house, then cleaning the walls might be an easy swift answer, but then so might making him or her go outside, without punishment.
Some people use mockery and sarcasm when dealing with children throwing temper tantrums, and bawling for no reason, such as talking to the child as many parents do to babies, and asking the child if he or she needs a diaper. It does sometimes get through. Granted, girls should cry, and boys too, but only for others. Crying for yourself merits no pampering from anyone. You are just like everyone else: entitled to nothing. Life is tough at times, but, most of the time, we just say it is tough so people will coddle us. That must never be our habit, nor can you give into crying for illegitimate reasons even once. A child, inasmuch as an adult, understands that if yelling worked once, even if was a long time ago, it will work again … only it seems that he or she must scream harder and longer now.
Note: This does not apply to a baby. Crying is about the only way they can communicate. The baby is crying because it is dark in her room, is cold or afraid, and you coming to her will not spoil her at all; in fact, it will cause her to love you more, and come to know you as an answer to loneliness. No, I am referring to children who are four or older, and the understanding of this must be conveyed when communication permits.
Sarcasm does not compare to love. Meals together, as well as other family times, are currently falling by the wayside, but these daily securities provide a type of togetherness that cannot be replaced. Use this time to talk in a friendly and relaxed manner. At least two meals a day should be spent as a complete family, even if it is difficult to do so.
Every week should have a meal of simplicity, or even a day of bare essentials, to install not only thankfulness, but an awareness of other’s suffering, and our ability to alleviate it. While I do not fully advocate extreme measures, it is, truthfully, extreme measures that cause lasting change. I have seen people who seemed to have it all, and then lose it all. Before, they gave nothing and cared for no one, and after, they loved all and gave often. It does not have to be extreme, if a child is not fully spoiled rotten. A simple day of basics can bring about considerations for others, which can aid in destroying any bratty attitude lacking thankfulness.
Instructing children to be respectful begins with being respectful yourself. This would take a whole book to properly discuss, such as the difference between being a doormat and being nice, and how to properly guide your child to the desire to say thank you, rather than it just being a habit or meager effort, based solely on requirement.
So often, you hear of children who are heartbroken because daddy or mommy promised to spend the day with them, or that they would go on a trip, or that they would be there. Never promise unless you can keep your word. I would hope that this occurs rarely in Christian homes, but its importance bears mentioning. If you ever must break a promise, it had better be for reasons worth more than your word and your child’s respect. On those one or two occasions in your lifetime, make sure you double or triple make it up to them, and that you can explain why this was so incredibly important. Working late, a date, or tickets to a ball game, do not even come close.
Money management must first be learned by the parents. From saving, to buying something nice, to that of emergencies, to the art of giving, these things must be taught to children after being learned by adults. Many problems in life, from marital to material, are rooted in poor management of money. Rather than allowing money to control you, allow it to be seen as a tool, no differently than you would see a box of nails and a hammer. If you have nails, and no hammer, you need to wait until you can afford one. This is a lesson we all must learn sooner.
Goal setting, achieving, and driving toward goals for others, as well as self, may not seem like much, that is, until without these, you find yourself with a lazy child. Granted, and I stress this for good reason, their lethargic behaviour may be hypoglycemia or a thyroid disorder, and it could simply be because they have not tried enough things, or worked hard enough for something they care for.
In this goal setting, allow the children to make their own choices, but do encourage them to think deeply of the pros and cons. I’m not sure any of us could get it perfect, but do try to make sure their choices and decisions are age and ability appropriate. Ability is a key component of this, as not all children are average. A few are slower in some areas, and probably one out of a hundred whose parents claim them to be smart are actually above normal. Some children, for example, will not be able to be potty trained until nearly two years of age, or may be very poor at math, yet that same child may be the best poet or painter or warrior the land has ever seen.
In raising children, there are different stages of life, but your lessons for each of these stages needs to begin years before that stage occurs. From the radiation of ultrasounds, to the detriment of many vaccines that no longer have a reason to exist, one must educate themselves, not in commonality, but in truth. There are many things, from taking higher doses of iodine and iodide, to getting enough vegan sources of omega 3 oils, that will greatly increase the quality of your baby’s life with a higher IQ. It is also necessary to become aware of common illnesses, and you should acquire ten times the knowledge you have now about nutrition as well. It is imperative that you become, not a self-righteous expert, but knowledgeable about this life long commitment you are about to embark upon.
Just because a doctor prescribes you a drug does not mean it is safe. Thousands of people die every year from properly prescribed and taken pharmaceuticals. Imagine the uproar if that many people died from vitamins. That is not to say you should avoid a preventive health care provider, or not take a medicine that can help you, just that you need to educate yourself first and always. From overall checkups to blood work, from hearing to eyesight, it is always better to prevent than treat, treat than cover, and cover than suffer needlessly.
Having three children is reported as being the most difficult for the parents and children. It is better to have more or fewer, and an only child, if able to be around other children at times, is in no way worse off being alone than if he or she had a sibling. The real numbers that matter is the number of hours at least one of the parents can spend with the children. If you feel as if you would need a baby or child sitter more than a maximum of once a week—you should not have had children! They need a loving and consistently refined you far and away more than a ton of money and a nice house.
Allowing your children to have good friends, although still imperfect, helps them develop imagination by being able to play made up games with them, using just about anything as a prop. That being said, store bought items should be limited, and of moderate quality or better. Currently, toys are being used as a replacement for time. Time is being lost, and most children have tens of times more toys than they should. Older styles of toys are often better. You know the kinds. The ones made with real metal and wood. Having a few toys, instead more than you could play with all week, brings about imagination, and appreciation of what one has.
One of the greater aspects of being honorable is to find righteous people as friends. We are all, to a degree, an amalgam of others; therefore, choosing intelligent kind friends is an aspect of honor that is very important, but seldom considered. Do not become rude, or push away friends you have now, though you may need to distance yourself from some of their activities, or you will become worse than they. No, it is good to befriend the best people, and to do this, you must become, not snobbier, but better yourself. Some of the greatest stresses in a parent’s life are the friends of their precious children.
The dangers of strangers, and of people you know, should be discussed with your children every few months. (No lesson worth speaking on should be a one time short talk). Presently, more children are molested than those who are not. Always listen to your children if they tell you someone touched them, or did something to their bodies that was strange to them. Talk with them as soon as they can understand, and do so every few months to remind them, to tell you if anything like this happens. Yet, this is not enough. If your children ever have any unusual behaviours after being around others, even family members, such as being withdrawn, nervous, anxious, or any other changes, ask questions and check their bodies for harm. While your child may be afraid to tell you, if you suspect their may be danger of sexual molestation, or even mild behavioural changes, then never leave your child alone with that person. If you are sure of it, but cannot prove it to the police, never be around that person again, as they could drug you both, and commit their crimes.
If your child has been raped, or touched, by a molester, seek kind-hearted medical help for him or her, as well as kind-hearted counseling and police that will help you both. I stress kind-hearted, as not all people in these professions have the right level of abilities to handle this type of crime. Fight the best you can; yet, and with some reluctance, I also add this: Never condemn someone if you are without total proof. If you just know this person hurt your child, but you have no proof, then do not harm a person who may well be innocent. You may, years later, find out it was not this man, but his friend that harmed your child, or someone who looked very similar. You must know. Yet, I return to my conviction of the severity of this crime. I would rather be beat down by an overprotective mom and dad, as an innocent man, than live in a society where parents do not stand for their children.
Talking about this to young children does not require you to be graphic. Simply go over with your child where others are not allowed to touch them. I knew a mother who did this with each of her children. One day she was going over this again with one of her daughters, saying, “So we never let anyone touch us where we go potty, or here on our chest, because that would be bad, huh?”
To which the young daughter replied, “Uh huh, and we also don’t want anyone to touch us in the eyes, cause that would be bad, huh?”
Cute. Yet, it brings a good point. Even a very young child can learn what is okay, and what is not, and even add a little to the conversation.
Later in life, before the child goes through puberty, parents can speak with their children about what happens, and how their mind will change. For a few parents, though, this is too nerve racking. These parents have discussed what is to be said beforehand with trusted grandparents, and then grandma talks to the daughters and granddad talks to the sons, while the parents are in the other room.
For teenagers, there are temptations that shake the walls of sanity. When a pretty lady encourages your son to have sex, drink, do drugs, get a tattoo, or come to a pagan gathering, sadly, even for those fervent in faith and intelligence, it is a tough battle. Speaking to your children about this is what most people recommended. I don’t. Instead, talk with your children. They will add to the conversations; yes, conversations, as this should just be random topics that come up, and are then talked about. No parent, and no son or daughter to be sure, want the stereotypical set down and talk about sex speech. No one knows the meaning of awkward until that happens to them. No, it should just be casual random conversations throughout life, otherwise, it becomes planned speeches, where discovery, and the right to speak, is lost for the child.
It is also commonly recommend to warn your children about drugs and drinking. Yet, a few grandparents stated that when children are greedy for candy, sometimes they need to be given candy … as much as they can consume. I had a whole box of chocolates once. I ate so many I threw up, and I never again ate more than my share. In this understanding, many grandparents and parents recommend dealing with drugs, not by talking to your children about the dangers of smoking and drinking, but rather by buying them a pack of smokes and a few bottles of beer—granted, these methods are unorthodox for a reason, as sugar lows can kill people, and some people fall in love with whiskey and tobacco the first time, even if it is with mom and dad; yet, at the same time, I bring disparaging news: Your children will smoke and drink, at least a few times. It is very rare, and I mean that very and that rare, that a person will never do these things. The peer pressure and curiosity is removed completely, and the illusion of doing something you are not allowed to do being a thrill is absent when mom and dad let you try it to see what it is like. Granted, one must afterwards show the child what these things can do to the mind and lungs, and that many other drugs are more harmful, though some are less harmful, or affect you differently. Is it best a child knows firsthand, with the parents, what a beer or a cigar is like than with a strange man bearing strange ideas? (I am not convinced you should allow them to smoke them or drink even once, I am just giving honest report.) Unorthodox to be sure, yet, most children, by the age of twelve, have smoked and consumed alcohol. Your baby … is never going to tell you.
Ah, but that brings me to a point all parents seem to fail at. One of the largest problems in teenage years is not just their lack of education to prepare for teenage life, but parents still thinking these children are their babies needing protection. The time to educate them in common sense is over, and it is now time to lay out timelines for rights. Not every year, but every few months, major rights should be given to teenagers. When you are young, you want things right now. You can hardly wait to turn of age to be able to drive, to leave home, even to drink—even if you don’t want to drive, leave home, or drink.
Milestones and rites of passage must be made. For every child it is different, otherwise I would outline a standard here. Yet, perhaps I will anyway. Simply realize that this is just an idea, not a strict model, or a law.
Thirteen:
First quarter: From here on out, you no longer have to be in bed at a certain time. (This is a blissful freedom we all enjoy, and the education of staying up late, but still having to do chores at 6:00 in the morning, educates the golden rule of: You play, you pay.)
Second quarter: You can go to a respectable camp for people your age. (I repeat this one below, as your child may find a fun camp that is held every year. Your child should also be in at least two other groups, from a Sabbath group for people their age, to a Tae Kwon Do school. Every week they should have something that is just his or hers, and not also mom’s, dad’s, and those rotten siblings you think are angels. There are many things this group could be, so do not limit the possibilities, and while your child may not want to at first, in time it is likely they will enjoy it if for nothing more than being around others.)
Third quarter: You can spend a week at grandmother’s house, as well as compete in the bike race, and get your own computer. (Times change, and people are different, and while some would see this as being spoiled, since adults do these things and are not spoiled by them, this is actually an education. Many claimed my grandmother spoiled me, but no one can tell me how her being loving to me has ruined my character. In fact, her kindness still inspires me to this very day.)
Fourth quarter: A vacation to the beach for ten days. (One of my all time favorite memories.)
Fourteen:
First quarter: You may have your own phone, and you may pay your own phone bill. (Granted, technologies change, but guide them and keep an eye out for them to make sure they are not swindled.)
Second quarter: With good grades, and paying your way, you can go with us anywhere within the states for a week long vacation. You can also go to a respectable camp for people your age on your own. (Though perhaps this should also be pointed out: Camps, and long events, should have been a part of life since the earliest of possible ages. Being at a camp allows parenting without the parents, giving mom and dad a chance to recover some of their patience and sanity, but it also gives the child greater communication skills, and quite a bit of enjoyment as well. In some homes, outside events are so many that it makes life difficult, and in others they are so rare that the event becomes daunting to the child. Somewhere in the middle is, not a number of perfection, but a nice little place called close enough.)
Third quarter: You can wear whatever you want. (Education cannot begin right here. Conversations about what men think, or respectability, need to be well considered by all of you. Yet, if your child now chooses to wear jeans with holes in them, it is no longer a rebellion, but a right, and one he or she will learn from.)
Fourth quarter: You have a budget, and now get to purchase all your own food. (This will help them learn to not only manage their money better, but will allow them a freedom we all enjoy. Again, education about health must have been conversed and learned for many years before this. Education should be the best that you can acquire, but schools are only a part of education. I recommend having your children do at least minor home schooling even if they go somewhere else, and that they do a chapter by chapter detailed book report on Healthy at 100 by John Robbins.)
Fifteen:
First quarter: We will help pay for half of your car. (For some times and land, this may be different, ranging from a horse, to, for all you fellow nerds out there, a transporter.)
Second quarter: You can go to a respectable camp for people your age. You can purchase new clothes to go with as well, but we will only pay half of the cost. (I would have a rule about no complaining, too.)
Third quarter: You can throw a large daylong party, and invite whomever you would like. We will help cater it, and help in any other way we can. We will pay for half of your party. (Give suggestions, and plan it for months. Have games and shows that would interest your baby, err, adult. If he plays the cello, then perhaps having a harp band he really likes come in to play for an hour as a surprise to even him would be good. Then again, that band may cost ten times what it could ever be worth. Have other events that may be unorthodox, such as horse rides, a tractor pull, or a goofy painting class. Yet, you must work on it together, and keep it simple and fun for many months prior, and maybe even a couple of years prior. Granted, others may chose to do this on their coming of age birthday party at thirteen, or as a leaving home party where all friends and family are there.)
Fourth quarter: Order in the court! This whole quarter we will help you get ready even more for life. I will write you a book of all your favorite recipes and sheet music, while your mother will be sewing you a quilt, and your siblings will help out as they see fit. It is time to get all your life in as much order and preparation as you can, and while you cannot wait to leave in some ways, we want to spend time with you this last quarter. (Enough said.)
Sixteen onwards:
(In some cultures, children leave at sixteen, and in some they stay for two more years, yet I feel that one rule should apply for all): “If you choose to leave, you may do so in a loving way, but if you stay, you do as we say.” (Leaving the nest sometimes involves being left by the parents, and other times involves leaving the parents, but it is a rite of passage that ought not be stained by zealous clinging or pushing behaviour from either party. It should be the goal of every parent to raise children who are better than mom and dad. This is the only way that sinful humankind is going to survive, and it is the only way leaving the nest can be a wonderful experience for all.)
Side note: Do we tell our children to do as we say, and then deny the Words of our Father because we think we know better? Kids almost always think they know better. We will be judged in how we judge, and our hypocrisy shall testify against us. Come, let us love our Father by keeping all of His Commands. Let our children say of us, “They obeyed better than we did, and loved more than we could, even though we tried with all our might.”
Have rights known and listed for each of your siblings so they can look forward to their soon coming new freedoms and responsibilities for years in advance. There should certainly be more of these, and should be catered to the child, without spoiling one, while neglecting the other as a scapegoat, even if he or she is a bit rotten. Also, on your list, do not include the sections I placed in parenthesis, as that is for you to know, and the child to benefit from.
In that list, I left out all sorts of other things that you should be doing as a family, such as going on at least one missions trip to a third world country, and working hard together. You will also notice I left out a set time for courtship, as different children (not genders) have different times that this will occur. If something is being orchestrated by Yahoweh, do not allow one of your made up rules to get in the way. If two children are in love, your goal should be to nurture that love, and keep it from fading away, or becoming impure, and above all to keep them safe by having clear rules such as other people always being present, to encouraging the other person to become better and better for your beloved child. Sadly, most parents fight the idea of relationships, once more, for the single greatest crime against teenagers. Parents, hear me: They are becoming grownups, and must be given the same rights they had as babies. They must be allowed to fall down from time to time, all the while with loving parents right there making sure that the little baby gets up and tries to walk as a man, as a woman, once more.
One of my mottos, a creed if you will, is this: The world’s dirt gets on us all.
First impressions are always difficult to undo. If the first time you see a boy, he is picking his nose, it is hard to get past that. The first impression your parents have is that you are a naked, crying, tired, infant that needs fed and looked after. That’s their second impression, third impression, and even their three hundredth’s impression. That is a little harder to see past. When you are sixteen, they still see that baby girl; yet, I have only met one teenager in my life who wanted to stay home when they were sixteen. Few parents are able to educate their children past the age of sixteen. It is often better to plan on letting them go early, and give to them while they are young. Let your children become grownups. If they make a mistake, or even a thousand, they are no less loved by Yahoweh, and ought be no less loved by you.
Granted, some teenage angst causes them to seem to forget caution, safety, or sanity, as they feel indestructible, and some teenagers seem to have lost all their blood, and now have nothing flowing through their veins save hormones. For parents of these I say these two things. Be strong, and, I have sympathy for you.
Most teenage problems come from the same place most adult problems come from: peer pressure. Yet, peer pressure is not what it is so often portrayed as in the mind, as it is not a shady looking man trying to convince you to try a hard drug. Right now, I am wearing a black shirt. If I grew up in a world where black was looked down on, and pink was considered manly, my shirt, sad as I am to report, would likely be pink. While this is benign, it doesn’t end there, not for me, for you, or your teenagers. What is common and typical may well be against Scripture. Therefore, it is His Word we must look to, not the temporary normality you currently live in.
Yet, teenagers are not as afraid of drugs as they are of parents embarrassing them. Therefore, do your best not to make them blush, while still being mom and dad. A common embarrassment is the nicknames, or cute titles, parents often give to their babies, err, teenagers.
To grandparents and parents, I press that nicknames must be chosen as carefully as names. I know parents enjoy giving cute names to their babies, but sometimes those names backfire. Calling someone Little Stinker might be cute when he is a baby, but when that name sticks, it harms for life. Instead of one cute name, mix it up as often as you can. Come up with quite a few of them, but keep them free from being degrading, and keep them in private life. The last thing a child of any age wants is for mom to call him a sweetie pie in front of his friends.
If it bothers your child to be called a name, even if it is as cute as can be—stop calling the child that. Many nicknames last for over ten years, and then all of a sudden the daughter does not want to be called Angel anymore. Tell her that she will always be an angel to you, but that you will call her by name now, just so long as she knows you will always call her an angel each time in your heart.
A grandparent’s unconditional love never spoils a child, for if it did, then that our Heavenly Father first loved us would cause every worshiper to be a spoiled rotten brat. For those who do not get to see their grandchildren, I urge you to write them letters, and keep the originals, along with perhaps a recipe book, or something you handmade for them, to be given to the children after they leave home. Even if you have passed away, they now have a bit of their grandparents to nurture them along the way. Never say anything demeaning of those who kept you apart, but do explain that it was not your choice.
Therefore, for all those parents who claim, “Oh, grandma spoiled my kids—now they are rambunctious!”
No. They are children.
Yahoweh has given us unconditional love. It is because of His kindness that we give Him love in return. And yes, while I am repeating myself, He has told us what He sees as love: that we keep His Commandments.
In raising children, there is so much. When asked about raising children, honest people have an expression all its own, somehow surpassing the point of being overwhelmed. There will be things that seem as if you cannot deal with them, while other parents handle them without problem; inasmuch as there are things other parents have such heartache with, that they allow to ruin their lives, while you handle those things every day as if they were sunshine. The same can be said for children.
There is so much more that grandparents have told me, yet it is better for you to see their eyes, and the tears that flow from them. Therefore, to close this section, I recollect two points. Improve yourself beyond what you think you need to through study and elders. And: Life’s dirt gets on us all.
Do not Spare the Rod
There are many things we must do to raise righteous children, such as training them to fight off evil, both physical and spiritual; training them in the proper ways to behave: a boy to respect women, and women to behave decently and politely. We must also show them of the pitfalls in life, such as drugs, whoredom, thievery, lying, cheating, gluttony, dishonesty, and false idols, so that when they come across these things they will not fall into the traps of sin. Memorizing Scripture with them that will aid you both in many ways, such as Scripture pertaining to loss of a loved one, sickness, and temptations, so we can call on Yahoweh’s Word just like Yahoshuah in Matthew 4:1-11.
We all learn by example; if we keep His blessings / commands, then the child will learn to do so as well. It is up to the parents serving the King whether or not children will know the benefits of keeping His Mitzvahs, or the pain of not observing His blessings. (Many Christian families come to ruin in this by believing, but not following.) After all, no one has ever taught a good lesson to a child by saying one thing, but then doing something different. If you tell your child, “You must honor your father and mother,” yet show no honor for your own, and demonstrate a life unworthy of honor, then you have abused your child. This brings me to a daunting, and often offending question: What about physical abuse?
“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you beat him with a rod, he does not die. Beat him with a rod and deliver his being from the grave.” (Proverbs 23:13-14).
Commonly this is written out to read akin to: “Do not spare the rod, for it will not kill your child. Apply the rod, and deliver their souls from hell.” (Proverbs 23:13-14).
Allow me to state right away that I am against hitting children. The reasons are plentiful, and my explanations for this are unorthodox and harsh. If you are in favour of striking little ones, I assure you that this will offend you, but I urge you with prayers to read on, and ponder the message. You have nothing to lose by considering these potent concepts.
Beating is not spiritual, nor does it save us as this passage often claims. Yahoshuah saves us! If beatings did, then we should go around hitting people with sticks to save their souls. Thankfully, for you and I, it doesn’t work that way. In fact, either the Bible has a lie right here, or the word “Rod” means something else, because if I have a rod, a beating stick, and I do not withhold it, then whomever I am beating is going to die. No one would be able to survive. I can swing for many hours, after all.
Psalms 23 proclaims the understanding of Proverbs 23, “Your Rod and Your Staff, they comfort me.” The Rod is His Word! Yet, what kind of rod and staff do we provide for our children? Can they lean on us? Is the rod a calling of love from Yahoweh, Who, with an outstretched hand, can honestly claim, “This hurt Me more than it hurt you.” Yahoshuah is the restorer of my soul, not by a beating stick or put downs, but by simply saying, “I love you. Won’t you follow Me? Turn away from sin, and take My yoke.” The Rod is the Word, and He will not destroy your child. “The voice of Yahoweh cries to the city—and let sound wisdom see Your Name! ‘Hear the Rod and Him who appointed it!’” (Micah 6:9). The Rod is not a punishment, but salvation, for those who speak, and for those who hear the spoken, in the tender love of His Spirit. Indeed, the Rod is able to save your soul from death. Do not spare the Rod in love.
Often, when punishing children, parents will be overcome by their anger, thereby striking harder than they wanted to, and definitely more than they ought. Each child has a different personality. No newsflash, or maybe it is, as many parents abuse their different children in the same manner, but expect results. In the same way, lovingly rearing their children in the same manner, while expecting the same results, is also illogical. Silence may work for one child, while a rational talk may work for another, and a few days later the only thing that might better them is for you to tell them you have done the same thing: You messed up, and are sorry you sinned because it hurt others. But, if you are a parent who corrects your child with the real Rod, and walks with them leaning on the real Staff, then I am sure the Guide will guide you.
I have seen people get hurt, and almost die, from the simplest of blows. In fact, just a few years ago, there was a news report of a couple that had a quarrel, yelling back and forth. In her temper the woman pushed the man, who then stumbled just a bit, lost his balance, fell, and died from bumping his head. Every year there are tens of thousands of deaths and debilitating injuries caused by parents punishing their children. This is not of Yah. I assure you.
Often, when punishing children, parents will be overcome by their anger, thereby striking harder than they wanted to, and definitely more than they ought. I have seen people get hurt, and almost die, from the simplest of blows. In fact, just a few years ago, there was a news report of a couple that had a quarrel, yelling back and forth. In her temper, the woman pushed the man, who then stumbled just a bit, lost his balance, fell, and died from bumping his head. Every year there are tens of thousands of deaths and debilitating injuries caused by parents punishing their children. This is not of Yah. I assure you.
The wife is under the husband, inasmuch as the children are, if not more so! Then why shouldn’t the husband beat the wife for ill behaviour? (Correcting your wife is this manner was seen as acceptable around one hundred years ago.) I’ll tell you: Elohim is above us. I know we don’t want Him to beat us, rather offer us correction from the Rod, which is to say the Bible. The Torah does not advocate or command beatings. Did the boy throw a tantrum and break a dish? He should have to work, in a good environment, with just a little help from both mom and dad, to earn enough money to replace the item by twofold. Did he steal? What does the Torah say? For those crimes where the child should be stoned, well, I’ll tell you these two things: First, you will be judged in the same way, and second, with great grace and wonderfulness, mercy is not against Torah. Considering the Messiah said that whatsoever we have done to the least of these (children), we do it to Him—people who strike their children will have a waking nightmare come Judgment Day when they see it was those strikes that opened our Saviour’s back.
Should a husband slap his wife to stop her sassing? No. Rather a brief halt in your overt abundant love by means of silent prayer would heal her more than a beating by hands or words. Should the children beat their pet when he is a, “bad dog”? Only if you want the loving dog to some day bite back … and bite he will. Spousal and animal abuse is more than just common for those who spank their children, indeed, it is guaranteed.
If you saw your four-year-old son, Billy, hitting his dog, then you would stop him, and kneel down beside him to say, “Do you remember how much it hurt the other day when you fell down? Well, that is what you were doing to our dog, again and again. Billy, the dog doesn’t understand why you were hitting him. He loves you. He just wants to play, and as soon as he learns how you want to play, that is how he will play. He is your friend, and he is my friend, too. You cannot hit your friends, or soon you will be all alone—and no one is happy if you are alone.” This response causes Billy to consider his actions. To evaluate how he treats those he loves. If Billy were to be hit for hitting, then he will ponder in his mind only this: “If my hitting the dog was wrong—then how is their hitting me right?”
And he will answer.
If you saw your four-year-old daughter, Sally, throwing a toy in the store, then you would stop her by picking her up and whispering in her ear, “Honey—sweetheart—listen to me. That toy is not yours. It will be someone else’s, and if you break it then another girl will have a broken toy. Do you like it when something of yours breaks? … No? Me either. So, I want you to go and pick that up and put it back on the shelf. You have so many toys at home, and grandma and grandpa said they had a present for you, remember? Let’s hurry so we can go see them, okay sweetie. Thank you.” This response causes Sally to consider her actions, while giving her other actions to do. If Sally was punished, she would not have learned those lessons at all, instead she would simply be mad at you while maintaining her greed and disrespect.
And it will grow.
Often, parents punish when they should have encouraged. Some parents punish their children for climbing on things, and others enroll them in gymnastics. Some parents punish their children for singing, and others enroll them in singing lessons. Some parents yell at their kids for trying to pet other people’s dogs, and some parents join a group that cares for animals. In fact, caring for, and loving, animals is one of the greatest acts parents and children can do.
The difficulty in raising children comes when we somehow think we can change our child, or when we refuse them rights, or give them too many. If you have a child with lots of energy, help him find an outlet. Suppression simply leads to an explosion, from both the child and parents. Each child is unique.
“Or do you despise the riches of His kindness, and tolerance, and patience, not knowing that the kindness of Elohim leads you to repentance? But according to your hardness and your unrepentant heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of Elohim,” (Romans 2:4-5). The Scriptures show us that kindness—not beatings—lead us to repentance. … I want to underline that whole passage! Read it again, please, but this time, really take your time.
All right, let’s say I am greatly mistaken, and spanking your children is a fair thing to do; would not one swat be all that could ever be needed to get the child’s attention? Anything more than this could be a warning sign for a mental instability that could be extremely dangerous, or a remnant of religious brainwashing. The level of violence that is required to strike a child beyond what could ever rationally be conceived as necessary (once), is, quite genuinely, only definable as psychotic.
Note: Some people who beat their children (especially if the child is very young) may need to seek medical attention. Their uncontrolled rage could be caused by the hormonal imbalance of the thyroid, or religious brainwashing, or a lack of proper education, but professional help may not be a bad idea. Loving prayer must be acted upon.
Note: None of us are embarrassed to ask for physical help when something is so heavy it is impossible for us to move on our own, but the mind and soul are other matters. Let us put ourselves around better people, and search for the root of our swift anger. This is no easy task, but if we are willing, the Spirit is able.
Step back. If a hand or a book is pressed up against your eyes, then you cannot see. Step back and consider: Are you a man if you beat a child? No one would answer yes. Not a daddy, but a loveless coward. Are you a mommy if you beat a child? No. Monster maybe, but not a mommy, not even a dog. I have watched parents beat their children for minutes, for the sole reason that one child hit another child. … Take a step back, maybe two, and think about the grossness of such wickedness, and brazen stupidity. We are to be known by our love—is being known as one who hits a child being known for love?
Many macho men shout from the rooftops that they would never stoop so low as to hit a woman, and then they hit their little girl. Seriously, if you stop and think about this—this is a gross wickedness!
I have never met anyone who felt wiser, safer, more respectful, or genuinely repentant, after being spanked, even if they were only spanked once. As for those hit many times, the effects were even worse. Ideas of not getting caught doing wrong became a rampant weed within their souls, and the same maliciousness that hit them, caused all of the children and adults I have ever talked to about this to claim: “I only wanted to beat them back.” How sad it is that most children flee more from their own parents than from sin. Truly, they have not been corrected with the True Rod of Scripture.
Love will make you walk to the cross, it will make you speak words of peace at the gallows, but no amount of spanking will. Love versus hate. Yet, there is a story I heard of someone that may be appropriate. For many years the son lied. The dad tried everything he could think of, and everything he could read. Still the son lied, and while he would always apologize, the next hour he would lie about when he would get home, or if he took the car, or if he put away the food. Finally, one day he came home, after lying about being home at a certain time, and the dad could no longer take it. “Son, you said you would be home four hours ago!”
“I’m sorry dad, it won’t happen again.”
“That is what you said the last hundred times! That’s it! I’ve had it! Son, bend over—I’m going to spank you!”
The son was shocked, and stammered out, “Dad … you’re against hitting kids. You have spoken against that for years … look, dad, I’m really sorry, I really am. I didn’t mean to push you this far. You … you don’t have to do this.”
Exasperated, letting go of all of his tension, the dad said, “Son … if you would just promise me, please promise me that you will never be late again, and I promise you that I won’t spank you.”
“I’m sorry, dad. I promise, I promise I won’t be late again.”
Looking down, the dad waved him away, “I believe you son. I love you. I hope you know that.”
“I love you, too, dad.” the son said as he walked past his dad, and began walking to his room. Instantly, the dad turned around, picked up a paddle, and struck his son as hard as he could on the buttocks. “Dad!” shouted the son, as he held his stinging bottom. “You promised—you promised you wouldn’t hit me!”
The dad shouted, “How’s it feel to be lied to?”
The son stopped telling lies … for a year, until he left home, where, sadly, his lies actually cost him his life. He was murdered because of them. Truth be told, I have heard this from more than one parent (those who spanked their children, and those who never did), although the story has whiskey instead of lies, or gluttony, or some other atrocity. Punishments or rewards will make some children act good, until, away from home, the punishment or reward is no longer there. Love, however, can be.
Again, step back: If there is a drunken man, so drunk he thinks Tom is a lady, and is completely undecipherable—one smack is all it takes to get his attention—indeed, one hundred would gain no more attention than what one would. For a sober person, for an out of control child, all that could ever be needed would be one spank … by an out of control adult.
We have all witnessed parents hitting their child because he or she hit someone else.
“I just can’t understand why they fight all the time.”
Really? You can’t?
We have all witnessed parents yelling at their children for yelling.
“I don’t know where they get it from!”
Are you kidding me?
I have witnessed parents throw away food, but somehow find it necessary to make their child clean his plate.
“I won’t let him waste food.”
What about ourselves?
A dog barks. Billy beats the dog so the dog will be quite. Mommy beats Billy because he is screaming through the house. Daddy beats mommy because she gossiped all over town. Officer Bob beats daddy because he can get away with it.
Is this the best we can do?
Are we really this stupid?
… Or is it a tradition of being loveless? Are we being honorable parents? Do our children find it easy to honor us?
Hitting a child is not the only abuse—far from it. There is also isolation, living through your children, verbal abuses including depressing and degrading comments, grounding a child by taking away their right to food, freedom, and friends. None of these things have ever helped a child. Not even once. When a parent grounds a child, rather than educating him or her, it is just a copout, a way to make parenting easy, though now they are not parents at all, but tyrannical cowards. Any punishment that is inflicted on children should also be accepted by the parents. If the child cannot see his girlfriend for a week, because he was ten minutes late, then daddy should not be able to see his wife for a week if he is ever ten minutes late again. Jasmine, my wife, is my equal, and so are children. We have our places, but to treat one as less than another is to cease emulation of the Most High, and begin acting like Satan himself.
Does your son have to go to bed without dinner if he shouts? You had better never shout again if you want dinner. Is your daughter hit if she yells at you? Then mommy had better not talk back. Will your son have his toys taken away if he gets a bad grade? Then so, too, should the parents lose their possessions if they ever get anything but a good grade by equal standards. Yes, some parents actually punish their children by throwing away one of their toys, which, unless I missed something somewhere, is stealing, and the parents should be punished accordingly. Should a daughter be scolded if she eats two cookies? Really? How many times have we had more than that? A fitting punishment is only fitting if it is fit for all. And, even then, it should be called a correction and a blessing by the very one receiving it.
You tell your daughter, Sally, that she can eat only one cookie. She eats three. Now a parent who does not want to deal with this will simply use a copout and beat the child, but a good mother will kneel down and educate her child, “Sally, I want to talk to you. You ate three cookies. We had just enough to take to grandma’s dinner party so that everyone could have one. Now your dad and I will not be able to have one, and everyone will feel guilty about having one without us. Sally, you’ll have to make another batch of cookies, and since these cookies take about ten dollars to make, you’ll have to do about ten dollars worth of work to pay for the extras.”
Now that might be extreme, but consider all the valuable lessons. Sally is learning how to cook, the importance of sharing, making sure that everyone is served, and working to pay for one’s own food. She would have learned nothing had she been hit … and again, how often have we eaten three cookies, when we should have had just one? What is our punishment? Or rather: What is our correction?
There isn’t a better truth. Truth is it. Therefore, we tell lies instead, and if one lie does not work, we can try a better one. If a child says, “I was late because I made a wrong turn.” and is grounded because he is late, he cannot tell a better truth, as there is no truer truth, but he can lie in a way where he will not be punished. He made a wrong turn, or simply lost track of time (as we all have done), and so claims instead: “I’m late because I helped an elderly woman change her tire.” Now he is not punished. If he were punished, where does he turn? Tell a better lie: “I’m late because I was talking to a young woman about the Saviour. She wanted to kill herself. I couldn’t just leave her.” One can tell a lie about helping an elder or troubled youth, and thereby be saved from punishment, or one can tell the truth about goofing up and therefore be punished. We must be careful what we teach our children, and what we allow ourselves to be taught.
I know it is loving kindness that moves one to love kindly in return, but sometimes, only sometimes, a hard lesson is the only way to wake someone up long enough to listen to the truth of not falling asleep spiritually again. What is this manner of waking one up? An absence. If someone wastes food, then a brief absence of the food he wants may make him appreciate what he has. Like only having a small bowl of rice for dinner. If someone is rude, then a brief halt in respect may make her notice—but it is a rare event. The trite saying, “Kill them with kindness.” is the methodology one must employ to raise righteous and loving children. If they are mean, do not just correct them with wisdom (the fear of Yahoweh), but love them with understanding (fleeing from sin), for all of us have gone astray.
I am not deviating from the point.
It is not our right to make it uncomfortable, or even downright difficult, for our children to yearn to honor us. How difficult is it to honor a sinner who picks up a rock to stone the sinner with? For far too long have parents been preaching this commandment down to their children, but not unto themselves.
This needs to change.
I am reminded of a Shepherd caring for the sheep. He stands watch with the staff and rod in hand, for indeed it is one in the same. If a threat comes close, then the staff is waved, and that frightens away only those who wish harm, and welcomes those who seek safety. If a sheep strays, then the Shepherd’s rod hooks the legs or neck of the sheep and gently brings him back into the fold. Never can this tool be used to beat with, or the sheep will run away from the Shepherd and His Word, right into the wolf’s mouth. The One True Shepherd used the Rod and Staff (His Word) to pull us into His flock and save us from eternal death. This is of Yah.
If you are too strict, then, as soon as they leave the house, they will overdose on freedom, taking their actions in the wrong direction, and much too far. If they have no framework, then they will reach the same place of ruin through no education of what traps are. If your child, however, has some freedom in that you bend the rules once in awhile, let them make mistakes, offer good examples with mercy, love, and wisdom understood and valued, then your child has a better chance, but no guarantee.
People are rebellious no matter what—there is no correcting them, or raising them without fault or failure on both sides. Ah, but it is not always the parents. It actually does sometimes come to the point where the punishment does hurt the parent more than the child. The parent has tried all avenues, and has become so desperate that he or she is trying violence as a means to acquire movement. The parent gives a rule: “Do the dishes in less than three hours or I am going to spank you.” The child could easily do it in less than half an hour, but as the hours pass away the child does not even try a little, and the parent not only gets madder at the dishes not being done, but also sadder at having two choices: Lie. Or spank the child who is being dishonorable. Indeed, one must be very careful about using sacred oaths of yes and no in such a foolish manner. It was wrong to threaten. It was wrong to disobey.
Granted, if it is not easily possible for the child to be done in three hours, then, regardless, it is the parent’s dishonor. Quite often I have seen tasks and chores set before a child to be done in a day, that I myself could not do in two. Yet, the child is punished for it, severely.
Often, when a threat is given again, it becomes bigger. Escalation is built on the premise that if one pound will not tip the scale, perhaps two will, and if not two, then maybe ten, and if not ten, then maybe fifty. Sometimes there are jumps that are extreme, because of the abuse the child is putting the parent through. To be an honorable child, one must likewise not abuse the parents. To push a parent so long and so far, that they feel a need to threaten … is dishonorable.
Punishment should only come after toil through other means, and should only be carried out if it hurts the parent more. If a parent who insists on spanking the child has even a hint of anger, rather than pure disappointment, the punishment should be given later, when rage has subsided into nothingness, which often means there is no physical abuse. After all, no one punishes a child today for when she sassed three years ago.
The only reason someone would hit a little kid, is that the little kid is, well, a little kid. Indeed, you are not going to hit a judge, or a waitress, or a repairman, are you? Even if they are your kids. Why? Because they are adults now. The idea of sixteen or eighteen making you an adult is just something we all agreed to make up. It isn’t real. Most parents stop hitting their child around the teenage years because their children are bigger. That’s the sole reason. Why stop at eighteen—hey, if it was effective, you’d keep doing it. The children are probably not going to hit back, but they are not struck anymore due to the fact they are no longer frail. This truly shows the wickedness of the heart, and the obvious uselessness of abuse as a form of correction.
In admonishing parents to make it easy for their children to honor them, I cannot write about one or two things, as each household has different problems, but the same answer. Difficulties might lay in alcoholism, or depression, arrogance, slovenliness, abusive remarks or beatings, a lack of time at home, drugs, a trail of broken relationships, self-worship, a lack of time in nature, violence on the dinner table, films replacing conversation, religious ignorance or oppression, and a slew of other problems. It is up to the parents to find their faults and fix them, as that is one of the best educations a child can learn, and they will, by your example. Will they be perfect? Ha! About as perfect as you are, I’m afraid.
Information on how to allegedly train up (not down) a child is rampant and rancid. Everyone has advice for you … including me. Here it is: Pour your love into them, and be sure your family has ample chance to pour their love into them, and be sure you share the Messiah’s Words with them in nothing but unbridled love. Hug them for hours, let your parents spoil them a little for it in truth it will not spoil them at all, and again, and above all, allow His Word to be a joy. A joy! Your children should see the Messiah correcting you, and you counting it as joy so much so that you turn to obey, not from terror or gain, but because you love Him. You are not perfect. Do not expect perfection from them, but do allow them to know the joy of being loving.
“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children, but bring them up in the instruction and admonition of the Master.” (Ephesians 6:4). Will you train up a child in the way he should go? Or will you simply beat the child causing him to run from the Rod and Staff?
Note: “instruction and admonition of the Master” are not bylaws of the church or synagogue, but the Torah of Yahoweh, the Prince of Peace.
Note: “One often reproved, hardening his neck, is suddenly broken, and there is no healing.” (Proverbs 29:1). The term Bible Thumper is given to those who use the cross they carry as a beating stick, and, while the term is cute sounding, the outcome is the destruction of the soul. Never be overbearing with the Rod upon your children. They ought be reproved, but not often, or their heart will become hardened to the point that no healing can heal them. Too much honey crammed down your throat will cause you to become sick and have ill favor toward honey, while a little once in awhile, offered in love, will cause the mere name of honey to bring a joyful smile. When we hear the Word Torah, we should smile with delight. His Word is the Staff, and hand in Hand with Him will get you far. Further than any overbearing lecture, to be quite sure. So share His Word when you get up and when you lay down, and at all points in-between, by living the Torah.
… Smile.
“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” (Proverbs 12:1). According to the wisest man who ever lived, Solomon, discipline is knowledge, and whoever hates being reproved with knowledge is stupid. To correct, to be corrected, wisdom has to be shared. I have known children who were beaten every now and then, and some who were beaten every day of their lives, and others who were never beaten. Those hit every day turned out the worst, and while a few might grow up to be good, these are the children who have said in their heart, “I will never become so wicked as they.”
I see far too often two atrocities: A parent throwing a temper tantrum by spanking their child all because their child threw a temper tantrum; also, a child throwing a temper tantrum while their parent does everything to try to please the child. Both are stupid. I am a firm believer in correction, but the Rod and the Staff are Yahoweh’s Word, not a weapon or a weakness. Parents far too often obey their children to the destruction of the Fifth Commandment, but what should we do to correct our children? After all, we do not want them to become our idols, giving into their every whim, inasmuch we do not want them to see us as their cruel idols, striking them with weapon and Bible. Just how do we use the Rod and Staff?
I’ll let as many grandparents as you can talk to, as well as the Word Himself, answer that.
Accepting who we are, inasmuch as accepting who other people are, will greatly reduce our stress.
The Almighty is perfect. Adam and Eve lived in a perfect garden, yet they sinned. We know to follow, and we love Yahoweh, yet we fall, each in our own ways. To say that it is the parents fault a child has ill behaviour, is blatantly telling Yahoweh Elohim that He is a bad Father.
I grant you, they did not fall until tempted, but Elohim was their Father, so surely they could have resisted. Just as He is our Father, so surely we never fail … right? No one lives to themselves alone, and no one dies to themselves alone; this I understand, however, your words and your thoughts are never going to be paid as much attention to by your children as their own. Your child is your child. He or she is not a photocopy or perfection, or able to be perfect. Do not blame them, do not blame yourself, and carry on doing the best that you all can do together.
Coming from a large family, and fellowshipping with many, I have seen extreme diversity in siblings, even in identical twins who lived in the same room and went to the same school. History, and the lives of friends, shows us that even the best people have children who turn out differently. While those first years are very important, it is imperative to know that you serve as a guide for this person, not a crafter of the person you would want your son or daughter to be.
You are you. Many people have been in the worst of locations, and turned out fine. I know men who had awful parents (abusive, drunken, drug addicts) and lived in the poorest of places, but they are now clean, with good manners, and are kind-hearted. They didn’t learn any of that from their parents or environment. I know people who were raised together, lived together as they went to school and worked, and these people, brothers and sisters, turned out almost completely different. One married a black partner, the other only references black people with racist slur, one is clean, the other filthy, one is kind to children, and the other beats children. From twins, to people who may as well be, I have seen massive differences where there would be few if raising children was strictly parents and environment. From observation, it seems you are who you are ranks around 90%, while the remaining 10% is upbringing or environment. However, guidance is what a parent is there for. A ship cannot be a truck, and while it may never venture down glorious roads, with good parenting, that ship will sail in the path it is set.
Concerning home schooling: I was home schooled (as well as public and Christian schooled) and am not disappointed. However, the most important thing to remember is that if your children are home schooled, then they need good parents at home. The education is better as it is genuine, free time to go on trips and to events is available, there is less peer pressure or bullies, and the family gets to be together. The drawback, though, is the lack of social functions; so make sure this is never a problem by enrolling them in activities such as swimming, youth groups, and other activities where the competitor is always the former self, like my parents did. (It is also wise to co-op with other home school families). It is my opinion, based on observation, that the best way to instruct a child is to share with him or her at a house that loves Yahoweh (yours), and then around the beginning of high school send him or her to a school (as long as it is safe and the child wants to go). In this way he or she will have a better education from home and can be a light to the other classmates. Many kids are now in trouble because their parents let them make their own decisions without preparing them to make good decisions with the Word. We must show them that His blessings are not to be compromised if we want a good life.
Blessings? Some of the greatest in any field are those who started training in their craft from the earliest of ages. The faster you can find, not what you child wants to do, but what your child is good at, the better. Let’s say she loves horses and dance, that is fine, and she should enjoy those animals and activities, but if her talent is in music, art, poetry, math, or building things from wood, then that is what she should pursue to the highest degree, spending at least eight hours a day honing her craft. A boy who loves to garden, should, but one who shows a talent for stories, should write and read at least eight hours a day.
How do you find these things—relentless pursuit. Let him try drawing for a week, see if he picks math up faster than normal, or can dance with joy. The pursuit ought be something the child enjoys, at least to a degree, but the biggest thing to look for is a natural talent. A natural talent can be honed faster and to a much larger degree than any desired or undesired pursuit. From the richest to the best dancers, it is those who found their passion, and had parents who encouraged them in it, that have reached, and grabbed, heights the rest of us simply do not even comprehend.
To win: narrow. To lose: broad. Never be pushy. Don’t be afraid to let something go, or for them to lead in their pursuit of passion. Then find the best mentors of all, in books, films, and in person. Do this all while giving them a place to grow in, such as a music room or carving tools and workbench. Yet, do not praise natural talent, instead cheer for effort. Nor scowl at setbacks, as errors fuel learning. Soon, your child will begin to call himself or herself something, and that is when you are closer to your goal of guiding them (not your version of them) to their dreams and success. Anyone who sees themselves as X in the future, are around four times more likely to succeed than those just training. When we call ourselves X, we pursue it more readily. This schooling is vastly more important than any other earthly education.
Concerning schooling: Make sure your children have decent clothes that they will not be jeered at for wearing, but no vanity either. Time with friends who are good for them, not an absence of family, is also a needed part of humanity. However, parenting is home schooling, and as I tell my martial arts students: The instructor also learns from the students. It is not: learn how to raise them better, rather it is: learn how to be better yourself. Considering we are to be as little ones, perhaps we have more to learn spiritually from children than they do from us.
I don’t believe in hurting children, but I don’t believe in them being spoiled rotten brats either, and a certain amount of logic, responsibility, and milder corrections, always produce longer lasting results to that of violence. Fitting replacements for punishments can be sitting in the corner when a tantrum in thrown, or a lesson in the hardships of others, along with another helping, when broccoli is refused. Yet, better than even this, is a basic realization: We all have foods we do not like. Every child should be able to decide upon five foods that he or she will not eat. If they have allergies, or a moral refusal, this should always be accepted as well. To be sure, some of us dislike more foods than that. Mine are: turnips, okra, bell peppers, some mushrooms, and, morally, animal byproducts. That leaves thousands upon thousands of foods remaining for me to be able to eat.
Note: Many people would refuse to eat an animal that is a pet or loved one, yet force their child to clean her plate. Many boast to their children that they cleaned their plates, never understanding it is the parents who do the shopping. Often, rebellion is not a wicked seed, but a yearning for our Elohim given right of free will. To allow a child to have a bad diet is foolishness, but to refuse all rights is wicked. There is a better way.
Note: Do not give treats and candies to children early on in life. Once children have sugar bars with fat centers, all of a sudden a salad seems bland, otherwise a salad seems like what it is: colorful, tasty, and energizing.
Another punishment can be a removal of a healthy dessert, or not allowing them to play a game, but, in all things, the parents must understand that they should be recipients of the same punishments for the same crimes. Speaking true, though, there are many kind-hearted methods of guiding a child, a wife, and a husband, to the way one should go, and one that must not be ignored is prayer. While no few parents pray for their children, and every grandparent I have known pray for their grandchildren, it should be done by more. Let each of us pray for parents, and their children; let each of us share with them the Gospel by living His Word.
Another form of correction is reading the Bible aloud with them, but always unto to yourself. That is a short and sharp lesson everyone needs to learn. The Word, much like a prayer, if preached at another, will never return as much as it could. When an individual reads the Word to herself, and, because of the love of the Holy Spirit, then strives to walk as she ought, then all are blessed.
I assure you: I struggle. Kids can, inasmuch as adults, test one’s patience. But patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and it is by His Spirit we can be patient. I know many of my Letters to you on the fruit of the Spirit are short, but that is only because I am talking so much about the fruit of the Spirit in all my other Letters, including this one.
Silence is sometimes the right answer, but I feel this, too, should be rare, as we do not wish Elohim to be silent to us, but, as the Scripture above has taught us: Love brings us to His path. Some parents feel like kicking their child out when she tells them she wants more freedom, but showing her that the freedom she desires would hurt her, and would quickly become a bondage, may be the best thing that parent could ever do. Then again, perhaps the freedoms she wants are simply normal for children who are growing up. They do that you know. (That may be the most difficult lesson.)
I think grandparents know this best. Few grandparents spank their grandkids, and most are eager to shower them with love. I asked a grandmother once, concerning this. She explained to me that when you get older, you regret not getting to spend enough time with your kids, and so you want to do right with your grandkids … even though you do not always get to. I think it is because you learn that not a single paddling did any good, but each time you loved them, taught them the Word—that is what helped. Most grandparents made all the mistakes, and learned from them, and now want to do right. It would be wonderful if parents … honored their parents.
Ah, but let me tell you, there is a commandment to honor your parents, but loving good grandmas and grandpas is just too easy to do. I cannot imagine my life without grandmother. … I cannot.
(Read: Scriptures, rather than beating stick). “A rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child unrestrained brings shame to his mother.” (Proverbs 29:15). Speaking in love and correction is difficult, but it binds the heart and strengthens the mind, as well as allows for a more peaceful relationship with Yahoweh. Just remember, as Proverbs 29:15 shows us, if you ignore traits of sin, the child will bring shame to all involved. Ah, but it is not always their fault. If a child is given chemical and sugar laden artificial food and beverage, and then has a fit … is it the child, or the parent?
Is it right to trip a child, and then punish him for falling? Heaven forbid such idiocy! Yet, how is it we can allow children to not know the commands that will grant them an abundant life? Training a child up is not an easy task, to be sure, and we all will mess up now and then. One of the most common mistakes I see today is that parents allow their children to eat chemical flavored sugared junk food, causing them to become out of their own control, and then they are punished for bad behaviours that the parents are responsible for! Parents must install healthy eating, thinking, and praying habits in their children. Doing this will cause your child’s difficulties in growing up to be cut in half if not more. The way most parents feed their children today is nothing shy of child abuse. We must raise children to yearn to do right, and to have no desire for wrong. Fear comes from the dread of punishment, but having no desire for wicked things comes from being filled with the desire of His Heart.
One of the gravest occurrences with children today is their overall weakness. They live on cupcakes, and cry for hours just because of a scratch. Parents must be strong enough to not give into their child acting like a baby. Babies need to cry sometimes, and loving them often, with lots of hugs, does not harm them at all. Yet, how can we raise children who are tough enough to be children?
Make sure to feed your children healthy food, rather than sweets, and to not give in to their crying for pity, true, as all parents should already know, but there is more. There is training. All children should be involved, not in sports where you can cry foul and your goal is to beat the other team, but where your opponent is yourself. While many people are against it, and some schools, I, too, would be against, martial arts is a powerful tool, but not the answer. As an instructor myself, I have had too many parents spoil their children, and then think I somehow have the power to give them perseverance. Now, granted, it is not mandatory that you use martial arts. You can simply do workouts on your own or engage in swimming. For what purpose? For the purpose of valor! A boy who has to work hard for something will treat that gem with respect. If he pushes, and, over time, gets to the point where he can do one hundred perfect form pushups, then all that tenacity becomes a part of him. When a bully is mean for a moment, the child hardly notices—he endured training for months! Most children I meet today are too weak to do one real pushup. The most mature boy I ever met was at a Tae Kwon Do camp. He was around ten, but more mature than any thirty year old I have met, and more of a gentleman than most elders. I have been hired for jobs based solely on that I am a martial artist. They knew I would honorably fulfill my end of the work arrangement.
Speaking of work: Chores, rather than free money called an allowance, need to be a big part of a child’s life. Each year she should have more chores to do. Even two year olds should help clean up, and not just after themselves. By the time a girl is three, she should be helping even more with the care of the whole family. I do not advocate slavery, of which I have seen parents guilty of doing to their children, nor do I advocate worshiping your children as I have seen more people guilty of doing.
There are also overt safety concerns. When I was young, I played on metal monkey-bars that where two times my height above a ground of gravel. Today, the schoolyard is made of plastic, low to the ground, and has some sort of foam rubber underneath, should someone fall. The guards at the schoolyard shout at the children if they are in the dirt, and give detention for touching snow or going barefoot. It is good to be safe, but it is not good to be weak. Children should be tough enough to be children, should have chores equal to their freedoms, and strength through the perseverance of an indomitable spirit forged with mettle, and a fist brave enough to defend loved ones. Without these things, a child will not have enough will to honor their parents at all … for they will easily be succumbed to dishonoring even themselves.
Without being a warrior, culture becomes selfish in vanity. Without being cultured, warriors become arrogant of others and prideful of self. Without refinement of soul, a warrior has nothing to battle for, and a culture has nothing to dream of. The reason so many parents have lost the heart of raising sons and daughters is that they have forgotten how to continually refine themselves.
The greatest thing for a child, though, is knowing that daddy will not budge in regards to her request for more greed, nor will he ever deny her request for more love. Firm but fair, is a parent’s greatest tool. Justice and Mercy, Right Ruling and Love, Rod and Staff, O dear brothers and sweet sisters, these are what makes moms and dads.
The Word shows us that parents are responsible for teaching their children the commandments, statutes, and ordinances of Yahoweh as contained in the Torah. Today, though, many parents teach their children to do whatever it is they feel like, and even Christian parents have been raised to despise, unto the refusal of loving obedience, the very Word Himself. “And you shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up, and shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children are increased on the soil of which Yahoweh swore to your fathers to give them, as the days of the heavens on the earth.” (Deuteronomy 11:19-21).
While not much more is said on training up a child within Scripture, it is truthful and honest that we ought train up our children in exactly the same manner we want Yahoweh to train us. I desire Him to lovingly train me up to be a spiritual bride of Messiah. We do not want to remain in our sin, but do we really want Him to physically beat us and degrade us? Like children who are encouraged when they do right, let us also seek our Father’s happiness. Let us never waver into silence of love, for His love, even in the hardest of times, is the warmest caress I have ever known.
Sadly, many parents strike their children for crimes not theirs. As a self-defense instructor, I know the hardest people to instruct are children—not because they are dumb or unable, but, like men who think of women as so much less, parents often view their children as less human than adults. Alas, children have so little ability to defend themselves from the abuse of parents and family. Consider: If I treated you the way your average parents treated their child, you would charge me with assault and sexual harassment. If it is not sexual (even if it is just subconsciously) to hit someone on the butt, then why don’t parents spank their child on the legs or the back instead? Really consider your swift answer. Why do you think, even in cartoons, that the child has their pants down when being spanked? This isn’t far fetched. It just seems impossible because it is as clear as it gets. Of the abusive families I know, many have children who grew up to be sexually perverse, sometimes before they were ten. That is no accident.
You may think me crass for claming that spanking a child is an act of sexual depravation, but if I were to do it an adult, again I ask: what else would it be? It is pathetic. Too sad to not say it like it is: We can do better! Trust your child, bring him up, teach her manners, show them how to love and learn in the same way you would desire to be shown, and in a way that they can learn!
The same advice I give to adults applies to children. If your parents hit you, and you then comply, you have taught your parents that abuse is effective. It is no different than if a wife responds positively to abuse. You have now taught your husband that abuse works. At present, the idea of not striking your child is taboo, but in the 1800s and early 1900s the idea of spanking your wife should she sass was common. An argument is not valid due simply to normalcy. It was normal to spank your wife. It is normal to spank your child. Neither should be normal at all.
For you children who need to fight back: I am learning, and I hope someday to write to you again, but in the meantime I have this to say: Your parents will not likely believe you if it is one of them, or a friend, or family member, who is hurting you; therefore, you must tell as many people as you can. Let your words be secretive, and to as many people as you are able. If you tell your dad that grandpa is patting you on the bottom, he will write it off as nothing. You must tell other people, such as ministers, police, doctors, neighbors, friends, and you must be very firm and loving, saying, “Grandpa, I do not like it when you do that. Pat me on the back, not my butt.” If daddy is hitting you, it is doubtful mother will care at all, but others in her family might. Ask your dad, with more respect than he deserves, “Did your dad beat you when you were a child? Did you learn from it? What helped you learn more than being hit? How do you help mommy better herself, since you don’t hit her?”
… Well, I hope the child can say that last part.
The reason most abused women do not run away is that they know that if they do, they will not survive the beating when they get caught. Running away is dangerous. If you are in danger, though—run as fast as you can! Danger can turn to deadly in a split second, but only escape if you know you can, and only go to people that you know will help, and not just people who will send you back to enraged parents. Often, this is not family. … How sad.
I pray for you, all you who are abused, orphaned, lonely, and hurting, that someday you will know as I know: Orphans have ones that love them, and so I shall dare to know: I am as loved as any. Simply because someone else chooses to forgo honor, does not mean you need to as well. May Yahoweh protect you, dear children, from the investment of the devil, and the devilry of humans. Amen.
“Reproof enters deeper into a wise man than a hundred blows on a fool.” (Proverbs 17:10).
Bearing Children and Adopting Heirs
If you do spank your children—stop—and take time away from this habit of cruelty to consider these points, to better yourself, and your children. Indeed, the twisting of these passages is the devil’s investment, but, for now, let us consider bearing children and adopting heirs.
Many, to this day, feel it is a commandment to bear several children. What of the Mitzvah telling us to be fruitful and to tend the earth? “As arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who has filled his quiver with them. They are not ashamed, when they speak with their enemies in the gate.” (Psalms 127:4-5). A quiver-full isn’t just five arrows, but twenty-five, and there is no way one could bear that many, especially in one’s youth. Need evidence that this wasn’t just multiple wives or concubines? How’s the Word for proof: “‘Sing, O barren one, you who did not bear! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, you who have not been in labour! For the children of the deserted one are more than the children of the married woman,’ said Yahoweh.” (Isaiah 54:1). Yes, those who do not bear, married or not, can have a full quiver, while those who forfeit Yahoweh’s children have but a few they bore, if even those.
“And Adam was not deceived, but the woman, having been deceived, fell into transgression. But she shall be saved in childbearing if they continue in belief, and love, and set-apartness, with sensibleness.” (1 Timothy 2:14-15). Do not get nervous women. Let us be sensible. This does not say that you must have babies to be saved, but that the Saviour came to earth by a virgin birth, and it is in Him we are saved. Not in Mary, or by having more babies, but in His Righteousness. After all, women are not things for cooking, cleaning, and raising children. Women should have a rich prayer and study life, and happiness from sincere respect, love, and admiration. They are fellow heirs. There is no shame in bearing, or not bearing. … Ah, but sadly many women feel there is.
In Genesis, Rachel was brainwashed into thinking that Jacob, who worked this hard for her, would not love her unless she bore children. I feel sorry for Rachel, as well as Leah, and the hardships of needing to fight for their husband’s love through viewing themselves as nothing more than a field. In a way, due to his drunkenness, Jacob was an adulterer. What if he had been a man who refused to become drunk? How much happier would Rachel have been?
Throughout history, women have given their husbands other women to sleep with to bear children through them. There are even women who will seek to have a baby regardless of a lasting husband. I urge you to care about children enough to try to avoid having them if you are unhealthy or unable to provide a lasting dad. Once you are ready, then pick from the millions of children who need adoption. Never abort, to be sure, even if you are unhealthy; however, if you are unhealthy, seek to improve your health. (You can still adopt to be sure, but until we strive to care for ourselves, our care for others will not be as encompassing as the children deserve it to be, or as long lasting.)
Note: Yet, the vast majority of abortions are because the baby is a girl. That the baby is a girl! Sexism is more alive, and stronger, than many of us would ever want to believe.
An accidental child? No. Accidental parents? Oh, most definitely. Yet, most parents do want their children, as most parents strive to live through their children, or bask in their glory. It is, in essence, a way for them to feel immortal, without actually being so. They raise their son up to be a famous football player who gets to drive the nice car and have sexy girlfriends. If they understood that this is feeding on the wind, they would have raised this child to be Yahoweh’s child. Children belong to the Creator. From the runt to the strongest, He first loved us. Yahoweh is the greatest Father that you could ever have. … Don’t let that gift pass you by.
In nations where many children are in need of food and water, and are orphaned because of the death of parents, or because the parents were simply not able to provide, why is they have so many children? Many Americans see this in the light of self-superiority, and wonder if they should adopt, or help these people at all. Many have told me, even loving Christians, that the people there should be sterilized to prevent this problem, but there is a better answer.
There are reasons people in poor countries have larger families. While there are many smaller motives, the major ones make up over ninety percent of the reasons. Chiefly, they have more children due to death rate. The lose of an only child can destroy a husband and wife, but if there are other children, the pain, while still utterly horrible, can be managed for the sake of the remaining family. Another significant reason there are more children is the poverty itself. If you have ten children, then they can work all day, thus being able to provide more food from their hard labour. Sadly, there is also educational and religious oppression. If women are treated as equals, have education, and are not subjected to the mindset that women are just fields to plant seeds in, and mere things that have no business outside the home, then women tend to find gainful and meaningful employment, thereby having fewer children.
A greater education, equal rights and liberties, and freedom from the oppression of starvation, leads to significant reduction in children. Countries where the women received these freedoms saw a drop from eight or more children on average, to two or less. To help prevent starvation and abandonment of souls, then we must help them help themselves in making a better environment to live in. This is a deeper matter of Torah, and one the Holy Spirit calls you to look further into, to hear it more clearly, and to feel it more passionately.
Others have children because children are seemingly preprogrammed to love you. Many of the women I have met claim that was their greatest reason. They have children to have friends. While most children are loyal and loving, is this temptation sufficient to base raising a family on?
I do not discourage you from bearing children. I am simply encouraging you to consider it deeply. Children raising children, single parents, the high divorce rates, the toxicity of the environment and womb, and the millions of children in need of homes, simply must be measured beforehand.
Consider things not commonly considered: Can you handle crying babies, and do you know of several people who will truly be there when you have the child to relieve you, and to help you, and to offer comfort in a brand new world. It isn’t just a baby being born, after all, there is a mommy being born as well. A dad, too, but there is often less stress for him in the short term, and in some cases more in the long term. What will the new arrival of a mom and dad need? You have acquired the latest baby safe provisions, but what about something for the parents? What do they need, and will they have it? That is only something you can answer after careful and prolonged consideration.
Educate yourself further than you presently feel you need to before having children. Regrettably, many people research little things a lot, and big things far too little. We need to focus more on what kind of spouse we need, and what kind of upbringing we can provide. What do you know about health for yourself before, during, and after the pregnancy, the benefits of breast-feeding, the dangers of some foods, teas, supplements, and on and on? It is imperative—absolutely imperative—to educate yourself, and to know a great deal more than you thought could be known, before you have children, adopted or not.
As for adopting, it is no less of a requirement to educate yourself. Even healthy babies are in need of care. Be sure to learn from many people who have had children and raised them into adulthood, as well as books by those who have lost children, tea with those who have adopted, and education from as many grandparents and great grandparents as you can get.
Yet, let it be known, the idea of anyone raising a perfect child is ridiculous. Even Adam and Eve got into trouble. So, do not let the idea of someone’s child misbehaving indicate that it is somehow the fault of the parent. “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he turns not away from it.” (Proverbs 22:6). “A child,” not “your child.” This verse is sometimes twisted into an attack against our dear brothers and sweet sisters whose children departed from Truth. We are to train up a child, but good training does not mean you do not fall. This passage speaks of when he or she is old, and good training shows, not how to never fall, but how to stand back up. And what is the way a child should go? He or she should be trained to be a good husband or wife, and a good parent. This is of Yah.
Ah, but some wish they could start over. They were not believers when they raised their children, they were too young, or unwed, or beat the child, and praised him or her too little. I bring good news! You can start over. Become the mother or the dad you dream of being, and let your child, even if he is fifty, be trained up in the way he should go. Not in preaching to them, but in being preached to yourself. Living a righteous life (not self-righteous life) will always be more of a true training to a true way than all sermons put together. You can do it—not perfectly—but you can do it. Little by little, your two hundred pound baby will see you grow in love, for love. This peaceful truth will not leave him, even in his old age, for when your days are gone, you will still be right there with him, training him up in the way he should go. The Way of Yahoweh! And later on he will not depart from it.
Yes, even if your son or daughter has passed on, there is still something you can do: There are millions of people who need a new mommy or daddy. Pray for a good crop behind the plough. Pray for forgiveness as you help another family raise Yahoweh’s children, be it as an instructor at school, or even a new adoptive grandparent, an amazing blessing from Yah.
Many need adopted by parents, as well as by someone quite forgotten, and quite needed: grandparents. There are many ways to do it, from adoption agencies, to finding a family, to raising a wonderful child who would have been aborted, to rescuing a child who prays his or her dreams to whomever will hear. … How sad it is that we believers are so unknown by our love that people who give their child up do not think of us first. Sad. An agency of greed beats the church. It is a sorrow that ought enrage us so much that we love more and preach less. We, as a whole … have failed.
“having previously ordained us to adoption as sons through Yahoshuah Messiah to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His desire, to the praise of the esteem of His favour with which He favoured us in the Beloved,” (Ephesians 1:5-6). Would we be able to love an adopted child as much as one we bore? Both a child born, and a child adopted, are our children given to us by Yahoweh. Upon the scale of Elohim, the full measure of weight of His love rests upon every child. Do not remove your fear from El, and place it on the Social Services, nor wonder if you are capable of loving a child with the Messiah in your heart. Ask Him to love through you—and He shall. And when you hold that wonderful child whom you can love more than yourself, I urge you: Do not spare the Word, for He can save that child from the grave.
An African proverb encompasses this: “It takes a village to raise a child.” Therefore, be sure your family, friends, and village, can help shape your children into wonderful people. No one is going to be perfect, yes, even your child, but Yah willing, it will turn out to be a wonderful tale in the end.
When caring for His children we become people who feel more deeply, question more deeply, hurt more deeply, and love more deeply. To procreate is the only commandment that men really seem interested in keeping. Yet, we must realize, this commandment was given when two people, and again when eight people, were on earth, so that the earth would be tended. We need to remember our roots. We were called to tend! … Our neighbors, even our dear brothers and sweet sisters, are dying of starvation, and our overpopulation is wreaking havoc upon the earth. We were called to tend! And that calling echoes to this very day.
By His graceful Power, my wife and I care for a few people around the world as our children, and, if Yahoweh is willing, and we are diligent, perhaps someday many more. Adoption is not always what the world paints it as; therefore, if you are not old enough, not married, married, too old, or so forth, then you can still adopt children (even grandchildren) in that you can help a mother, or dad, or family, keep their children. Monies, sure, but also support in His Word, prayer, and fellowship in friendship, thereby keeping that family together in love. The African proverb is true. All praise to Yahoweh!
We are to emulate, to follow, Yahoshuah, and so I ask: How many children has He adopted, and does He love them as adopted children, or sons and daughters—or as heirs?
“So we also, when we were children, were under the elementary matters of the world, being enslaved. But when the completion of the time came, Elohim sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under Torah, to redeem those who were under Torah, in order to receive the adoption as sons. And because you are sons, Elohim has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying, ‘Abba, Father!’ So you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, also an heir of Elohim through Messiah.” (Galatians 4:3-7).
“But as many as received Him, to them He gave the authority to become children of Elohim, to those believing in His Name, who were born, not of blood nor of the desire of flesh nor of the desire of man, but of Elohim.” (John 1:12-13).
If He then is our Father, let us honor Him. Let us honor our parents. Let us honor our role.
We begin raising our children the moment we choose our spouse, and when we pick them up from the adoption agency or become pregnant. Children of hypocritical or abusive parents tend to view Yahoweh in the same way. They often ignore the many Biblical counsels that warn of the pitfalls in life. The result will be a life of anguish and suffering. Do not abuse a child, whom Yahoshuah loves, by not following His guidelines for upbringing. This Commandment was etched in stone by the Author of the fruit of the Spirit, along with the former four and later five, and each show love to Yahoweh, and also to one another. Children belong to Yahoweh! Do not rob Him by striking them—selling them to the world for an empty harvest—or by ignoring the many children you have been given already. Search them out, and you will find far more than yourself.
Be Blessed and be a Blessing
Shalom
-Valentine Thalken Billingsley
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Additional Scripture References:
Leviticus 19:3, Deuteronomy 4:9-10, 6:6-8, 21:18-21, 27:16, Psalms 127:3-5, Proverbs 3:1-2, 5-6, 19:18, 26, 20:11, 23:22, 24-25, 30:11, 17, Isaiah 54:13, Matthew 5:21-26, Luke 2:51-52, John 15:10, Romans 7:12 and 15:4, Ephesians 5:31-32, 2 Timothy 3:15, Colossians 3:20, Hebrews 12:5-11, 1 John 3:23, 1 John 5:2, James 1:27, Numbers 11:12, Galatians 4:4-6, Psalms 23:4, 1 John 2:4, 1 Timothy 2:9-10